Friday, February 28, 2014

Craving What Hurts


Migraines are, to say the very least, debilitating at times.  This morning I feel another big attack approaching.  The last "big" one was just two weeks ago.  My husband started work at 5:30 p.m. last night and ended his shift at 7:00 a.m. this morning.  He came home and snowplowed the driveway (our plow guy seems to have disappeared) and then took my daughter to preschool and is going to stop at the hardware store for a new shovel.  I am sitting here in the silence waiting for medication to kick in.  Once again I am hoping that it actually prevents the migraine from taking over my body and carrying out out whatever vengeance it has on me.  All the while it is an absolutely gorgeous sunny day.  A day that I typically crave in these long winter months.  You see, I LOVE the sun.  I LOVE warmth.  I crave it.  I long for it more than I can put into words.  I always have.  I have so much and for so long that just after I finished my Master's degree I had a teaching position lined up in the beautiful Virginia Beach area.  I let that dream go at the last second to take on another dream and marry the man I could never live with out (that story is another post).  Now I sit here with dark sheets tacked over silhouette blinds.  If you are not familiar, silhouette blinds allow you to cover your windows for privacy but allow the sun to softly diffuse into your home creating soft glow of sunshine and warmth.  Do you see the irony in this?  I crave the light but it hurts me.  It aggravates my migraines.  Even if I don't have a migraine I perpetually worry that the sun is going to hurt me.  I long for the sun but I avoid it.  So for today, and if I'm lucky only today, I will sit in the dark and take whatever preventative measures I need to stop this migraine from reaching its full potential.  And for today I am going to try and not feel guilty that my husband hasn't slept in 20 hours and will take on all my responsibilities for the day.  A note to myself:  "If you don't let him and the migraine progresses it will be worse for everyone." In the meantime I am remembering why I gave up the sunny south and married this man who takes care of me through sickness and in health. :)

Sunday, February 23, 2014

More Than My Life

So here it goes...my first blog post...ever.  I've had many thoughts on how to approach this.  Should it be a journal, an outlet so to speak?  Should it be more informational on the topics that I am thinking of writing about?  How personal should I get?  Should I focus on just one topic?  And, furthermore, do I need to write each post in a word document first, utilizing the grammar, punctuation and spelling tools that may be more accurate than blogger?

Here is what I have decided.  I am overthinking it.  I am getting too compulsive and anxious about it.  I am going to finally speak freely about circumstances, people, events, and thoughts in my life with out fear of being judged by those I've always feared of being judged by most.  I am going to write about me and say "I" even though I already am feeling as though I'm saying "I" too much.  I'm going to reread my posts once before hitting "publish" but I am NOT going to reread and double check for spelling, grammar, etc. four times over.

This is also what I have decided.  I love to write.  I have a million thoughts in my head that I don't know what to do with.  I have been through times of hell as well as absolutely out of this world, amazingly beautiful times that bring tears to my eye just thinking about them.  And, well, maybe my experiences can help others reflect on their own similar experiences in a positive way.  Or, maybe other's comments will provide me with some insight I haven't yet thought of.  Either way, I hoping for a positive experience.

So just what will I be blogging about?  For the time being I think it will primarily be the things that have greatly influenced who I have become.  The things that are influencing who I am.  The things I am absolutely in love with, what drives me, what I am passionate about.  Some of these "things" include:

Growing up with parents who were raised by alcoholics
Anxiety and OCD
Living with chronic migraines
Being the wife of a state trooper
Having three children 18 months apart
Being a special education teacher
Being a self proclaimed photographer
Cutting/self-injurious behavior

The recent realization I came to is that although all of this-all of these things-revolve around me it's all more than my life.  What happens in my life affects my husband, my children, my sisters, parents, friends.  Everyone's life effects someone else's life.  How we approach our own life and how we think about our own life is what will determine if we spend it worth while.